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The Tabloid News Edition 9
Editor: Mr_Pickles 'FROM THE EDITOR' Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever know. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. And I’ve made up my mind. So here I go again. Back in the saddle again. Back where a friend is a friend. Wow, I’ve really got to get my radio fixed. Anyway, I’m back after not being around for a while. I slipped an edition of The Tabloid News in whilst on vacation through a friend of a source. Hope you all liked it. So, once again, I’m in control of the presses, the Swedish children who run my presses, the French maids who clean my office, the German watchmaker who fixes my presses, the Japanese women who give me massages, the Belgian chocolates I give out as treats, and the Dutch girls who are on the payroll, but I can’t figure out why. It’s like a regular League of Nations over here. Anyway, on with the news . . . 'MR. PICKLES NOMINATES HIMSELF SUPREME GODFATHER, SANITY QUESTIONED' In a surprise announcement in the streets today, Mr. Pickles offered to assume the role of Godfather of the Nine Cities. His offer was met by considerable consideration considering the fact that most people weren’t considerate enough to consider his offer. There are new allegations that Mr. Pickles is, in fact, not right in the head. FallenAngel2 tried to usurp Mr. Pickles’ authority on the grounds of mental incapacity. Mr. Pickles quickly turned that situation around. The Tabloid News will follow this story as it develops. 'SLUMBR ALLEGES MR. PICKLES MAY BE METRO-SEXUAL' Metro-sexual is a word that is 80 years ahead of its time defining a man who knows way more about fashion than he should but still digs chicks. Slumber told The Tabloid News that in a recent conversation about bank robberies, Mr. Pickles expressed his displeasure with the exploding packets of die. He is rumoured to have said, “and, what's with the exploding dye? I am an autumn, but I don't want to wear all orange. Wow! Did I just say I was an autumn? Please don't tell anyone I said that or that I know what that is!..." In response, Slumber said, “I could have sworn you were a winter...the shock of these things is just too overwhelming sometimes!” Mr. Pickles was reached for comment when he said, “I don’t know anything about that sort of thing. Look at the way I’m dressed for pete’s sake!” We will also be investigating who this “Pete” fellow is. 'EDITOR DENIES ALLEGATIONS OF EGO GRATIFICATION' When asked about this most recent edition of The Tabloid News, Editor-In-Chief, Mr. Pickles, denied the allegations that this was the most self absorbed issue yet. “On the contrary” he said, “it’s quite obvious that the public wish to know the real news of the nine cities, and I just happen to be it for the day.” The Editorial Staff at The Tabloid News backs Mr. Pickles 100% as long as our paychecks clear. 'MR PICKLES FINDS SOMETHING ELSE TO WRITE ABOUT' Instead of just himself, the next article will be about something else'.' 'ADVERTISEMENT' Are you sober? Want to fix that? Try JagerSchlager! Helping Miguel get laid since 1902 'VATICAN ISSUING STATEMENT ABOUT FALSE SAINTS' Pope Pius the XI told us in an exclusive interview that he and the rest of the Church of Rome are greatly displeased with the amount of people calling themselves Saints without any official recognition by the Catholic Church. Among the transgressors of false sainthood are, Saint Rob vanDam, Saint FCUK, Saint Thomas (although he did write a gospel about Jesus, the church isn’t 100% ready to recognize him). His Holiness warned us “not to give anything to these charlatans in their collection plates, or let them try to perform any miracles, as all they will do is make your money disappear. (Faithfully translated from Latin – ed.)” When asked about his predecessor, Pope Benedict XV, Pope Pius said he was sure we would see that name again in the future. ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN Dear Red, I recently lost my husband of 23 hours. I really loved him, but I’m still a woman. How long should I wait before asking out that handsome Tabloid Editor. Signed B. Dahl ---------------------------------------- Dear B. Don’t waste any time. A hot commodity like him will be snatched up in no time! Red Ed. Note – There’s plenty of Mr. Pickles to go around. You ladies don’t have to be shy and not talk to me. Seriously. It’s because you’re all shy, right? ------------------------------------------ Dear Red, None of the girls will talk to me or return my phone calls or telegrams. Why? Signed, Mr. P. ----------------------------------------- Dear Pickles, Maybe you’re not as cool as you think you are. On the other hand, right now you have the look of a man who’s about to fire me from The Tabloid News staff. So, I’m going to have to change my answer to, they’re all just shy and intimidated by you. 'MAFIA HUMOUR' Q. What do you call an Italian in a business suit instead of a velour jogging suit? A. Defendant Ed. Note – We at The Tabloid News would like to apologize for that insensitive joke about fine upstanding Italian Americans. And, we say this of our own free will, and not because the Italian Anti-Defamation League has a gun to my head. Honest! They’re certainly not holding a .38 snub nose special to my temple!